Receive Lord My Entire Freedom...

This prayer of self offering by St. Ignatius of Loyola struck me earlier this week as I read it after Mass. This prayer is the epitome of my grandma Kathy's journey with our Lord. She has been on a journey with Alzheimer's disease for years. She is in the final stages of this disease and just yesterday had another one of her seizures that have come with this illness. She has been on my heart every moment since I got the text about her seizure yesterday morning.

When I was fourteen years old, I sat on the floor watching my grandma talking to my mom about her recent diagnosis. She was wiping away tears while saying that if God wanted this for her, then she knew He would bring good from it. I witnessed her walk into the Sacrament of Confession soon afterwards and knew she was going in to tell the priest that she knew she needed forgiveness but could not even remember what her failings had been. She gave God everything! As a young teenager, I could not fully understand what it was that brought my grandma this sense of trust and comfort in the face of her diagnosis but it struck me and made me desire to understand her profound trust in God.

I often wonder what my relationship with her would be like if she knew who I was and could talk to me about my life, if I could go visit her in her own home and we could go to Mass together. However, my relationship with her with her Alzheimer's has been one of the largest blessings of my entire life. She has taught me what trust is. She has taught me what love is. She has given to God her entire life and I have been able to witness this. I see her as a saint on earth. She has become like a little child who is waiting to see our Lord in His glory whenever He should choose to call her home.

At this point of her life, she is like a little infant. She can speak very few words. She needs to be fed and changed. She cannot walk and has to sleep most of the day. But she brings so much JOY! She smiles and she laughs. She pulls you into a part of life that is in stark contrast with this world, that is focused on self and comfort. Her needs pull you out of yourself. It does not matter if she knows who I am, because I know who she is. She is the grandmother that helped make my life possible. And, when she looks deep into my eyes, I know, even though she cannot say it, that deep down she knows who I am. She knows I am there. She knows I love her. She knows God is using her illness to transform my life.

Going to school in Florida and leaving her behind, not knowing if she will pass away while I am gone, was one of the hardest things I have had to do. I had to say goodbye to one of my favorite people. To a person that has become one of my very best friends. To the person who has taught me more about life than college, books, or professors ever could.

She has shown me to love the Lord first and foremost in my life. She has shown me that He is SO good and faithful and can be trusted beyond what we could possibly imagine. She has shown me that the biggest suffering can bring about the most beautiful results and more love than we could imagine. She has shown me that giving of yourself in order to help another person is the surest way to find fulfillment and joy in this world.

It hurts my heart to imagine a day when I do not have my Grandma Kathy as a part of my earthly life. When I can no longer visit or feed her or hold her hand. But I can't imagine anything that would be more beautiful than the moment when she meets Jesus. He is her Beloved and I know He will embrace her and say "Well done, good and faithful servant...enter into the joy of the Lord" (Matthew 25:21). All of her suffering and hurt on earth will be transformed into the most beautiful glory and joy in Heaven. What a day that will be❤️